How do I deal with low Self-image?

Dear Vaibhav,

I keep attracting ‘weird’ proposals for marriage? I have tried all possible things to break the pattern, but things are still the same.

Also, I am really conscious of my body weight. Why am I holding on to this weight ?

Dearest Lisa,

Firstly, let me tell you that you are Perfect as you are today. This is the truth. Let us learn how to see this innate perfection in ourselves.

We tend to judge ourselves based on what we don’t have rather than the things we do have. And we constantly keep looking for what is missing from our lives. We believe there is some solution out there that will make us a better human being or a happier person. A partner or a lower weight, in your case.

While this is true for temporary joy, any lasting happiness and contentment comes from inside.

And so, for me, the answer to both your questions rests in a simple fact. “Lack of self acceptance”
From your first question, it becomes apparent that you are trying hard to become someone else in order to attract a good partner. You cannot break the patterns…. the patterns are YOU! Meaning they are an integral part of who you are. One possible reason you may be attracting “weird proposals” is that you simply haven’t accepted yourself as you are. You haven’t accepted your patterns and are instead rejecting them. Patterns dont change when we try to ” break” them. Patterns change when they are fully understood and accepted. When we are able to say, ” Ah, this is how my mind works. How interesting! Please show me more.” When we establish this kind of relationship with our mind we begin to learn who we are. When there is more clarity and understanding, the way forward becomes very clear. When we dont have real understanding, of who we truly are, we keep messing about trying to fulfill our egos desires. We keep chasing temporary happiness. With understanding, comes happiness and fulfillment. Not from a husband or a lower dress size.

Lisa, there are two ways we can invest our time and energy. 1. Chasing what we don’t have or 2. Learning to accept what we do have “as is”
When we spend our time chasing what we don’t have, 2 things can happen. We may either get what we want or we may not get what we want. If we don’t get what we want, we will continue to be unhappy and keep chasing this fantasy of ours. If we do get what we want, we may be happy or unhappy when we get it. If we are happy, it will be temporary and then we have to start chasing some new desire. If we are unhappy, we will blame it on the other person or thing as not being good enough. And continue to chase something else.

In case 1, we are constantly chasing something … always more, more, more. We simply don’t know how to relax and be happy. First a husband, then a house, then a car, then a child, then something else…. on and on and on. Till the day we die, we will have some desire or the other. Such a tiring and desperate way to live, isn’t it?
But the majority of the world lives like this. And that this why we see so many problems everywhere. People are always chasing what they don’t have. More, more, more!
The 2nd way is the way of Spirituality. Learning to accept things as they are. When we learn to accept ourselves and our life circumstances as they are, something interesting happens. We begin to change in positive ways. Slowly, over the years, we come into balance. Into a better alignment with life.
The fact of the matter is, you believe you have tried your best to attract a partner and I assume you believe you have done your best, with exercise and dieting, to keep the weight off. But these have not happened in your life. (As is true for many other people)

Now, assume these 2 things don’t happen. Is it impossible for you to be happy ever again? Are you going to spend the rest of your life being sad because these things didn’t work out in your life? Tell me…. doesn’t it seem such a silly way to spend the rest of your life? Being unhappy about 2 things that didn’t work out the way you wanted them to. While there so many good things happening everyday. Is your life going to be a mourning or a celebration? You decide.

Isn’t it better to focus on the things that are going well. The things you can enjoy and celebrate. Maybe some friends or some family. Maybe your spiritual group. Maybe your pet. The things that make you happy. Focusing on happy things makes you a happy person.
Now, let me tell you a secret. People are attracted to happy and positive people. This is a fact. Isn’t it true for you?  You want to attract happy and positive partner but you are unhappy about yourself. And your patterns. And your weight. So obviously, you are going to attract people who are unhappy about themselves.
So what can we do, to help us accept ourselves as we are. To stop chasing what we don’t have. Here are some ideas and things I implemented in my life;

  1. Continue with a spiritual path: Slowly you will begin to see many positive changes in your life.
  2. Meditate regularly: Meditation is the best tool for self acceptance. In meditation, we simply sit and allow ourselves to be who are are. Even if our thoughts are stupid or funny or crazy, it doesn’t matter. We simply accept who we are. When we practice self acceptance in meditation, we practice self acceptance in life.
  3. Exercise regularly: Exercise releases so many good chemicals like dopamine and serotonin which help us feel good. When we feel good, we accept ourselves, our body and mind more easily.
  4. Talk to positive people and avoid negative influences: Reduce the time you spend with people who make you feel bad about being unmarried or overweight. Simply cut them out of your life. Sometimes, these may be people close to us like our family and friends who we cant avoid. In such cases, simply reduce the time talking to them and spent in their company. YOU ARE IMPORTANT, YOUR HAPPINESS IS IMPORTANT! Don’t let anybody take that away from you. When you show them that you can be happy despite being unmarried and overweight, then even they will ask you how you did it. You will be the one in a position of power. Do you understand?
  5. Hire a nutrition consultant and join fitness classes (online) – Invest money in yourself. This is WAY more important than a nice phone or nice dress. All nice things will come when you invest in yourself and a team of professionals who support you. YOU ARE IMPORTANT! Please remember that.

What other ideas do you have? Are there habits you need to get rid of? Please write down 3 things that you will implement starting today.
Please be assured, that you are supported in your journey. The journey to self acceptance can take some time but it is very very rewarding even in the early stages. The second you decide to accept and honour yourself, you will notice a new energy in your being. With time and proper investment, this energy will become a new life. Positive and fulfilling.

When this happens, Lisa will rejoice happy if her desires are met. If they are not, she will still be happy and go about her life. I am sure you can come to this place internally with the right practices, habits and support.
You are fully held by the Divine and are supported in your way to Self Acceptance. Otherwise, these words would not come to you. Please trust this.
We are available to hold your hand on this journey called Life and I hope you will reach out occasionally for help. We all need help sometimes.
Best of luck!

With love