My husband’s behavior when he is with his family is rather aggressive and unconscious…

My husband’s behavior when he is with his family is rather aggressive and unconscious. However, when we were dating, he was always kind and considerate with me. However, since our marriage I can see his behaviour changing and his attitude towards me and now the kids is becoming increasingly harsh and unconscious. I am really hurt and not sure what to do. Any guidance would be appreciated. Thank you! 

Hi Linz,

Thank you for reaching out. I have dealt with these issues over many years and continue to do so.

It appears that sub-conscious programming picked up in childhood has surfaced and since you are now family, it is okay to repeat those patterns. These patterns exist below the conscious mind and may need sustained effort to surface and heal. This is a common occurence.

Your husband will need to take responsibility for his behaviour and build a program to heal and move past these. You cannot do it for him.

In the meanwhile, I recommend changing the framework in which you engage with each other. Being aware of the times of the day that he is easy to trigger and maintaining some boundaries. Also, you will need to become more aware of your own actions and words that are triggering his response and bring them into consciousness, in case such exist. As you take a more sustained effort towards saving your relationship, you will notice the patterns.

If you see the problems escalating, I highly recommend seeking help. Having the situation contextualized by a professional and acquiring the necessary tools can help a lot.

Couples do get through this but you may need a new engagement norm and also some support.

The tara brach course on forgiveness and compassion has some great insights regarding this. Look in the q&a section as well.

You are not alone.

Best of luck!

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